Chelleology

When I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, I went through a lot of different emotions.  I was terribly sad.  I was 25 and in my prime.  I was supposed to be out partying with my friends and trying to launch my career and I had just joined a running club.  The thought of all the things I would be missing because of fatigue, pain and repeated trips to the bathroom. It was all so overwhelming.

I was angry and resentful that my friends would be doing all the things I wanted to do.  My life was now about knowing where the nearest bathroom would be and fearing an embarrassing situation if I did not make it. 

I thought about all the things I would now be missing due to fatigue, pain, and repeated trips to the hospital.  I was now going to have to explain to every boss why I needed more time off for medical appointments.

So, why me?  Why would God want to have this awful, painful, tiring, a gross disease?  What did I do to deserve this?

22 years, 2 surgeries, and untold number of hospitalizations later, I now have the best toilet humor.  I speak openly about my disease not just to educate people but in some way to inspire them to hurdle their own roadblocks.

Recently, a new roadblock fell into my path.  I was laid off from my job at the bank… a job that I loved very much. Three days later, my husband got laid off from his job.  Here I was again feeling sad, angry, and resentful once again.  I wasn’t just questioning my faith in God, but I was angry with Him.  I wasn’t a horrible person, so why was God punishing me? 

About two weeks ago, one of the teachers, Doug, at church gave a lesson on Weathering Life’s Storms.  He talked about losing everything in a house fire and losing friends due to political differences.  I’ve lost my share of friends due to political differences but that house fire… it put things into perspective.  I will eventually recover from losing my job.  I’ll learn a new set of skills, maybe when the housing market turns around, I’ll go back to the mortgage industry.  It may take some time, but I can turn things around.  But I cannot imagine losing everything in a house fire. 

Through biblical scripture, Doug pointed out that to weather life’s storms, we need to build a solid foundation of trust in God.  But in order to build that foundation, you have to dig.  You need to dig deep and remove things that are getting in the way.  You need to dig out all the negativity, all the anger, and all the resentment.

I was always one of those people who would roll her eyes when someone would smile and cheerily say “You just gotta think positive.”  Something in Doug’s lesson touched something within me.  Sure, I don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m just getting by but things ARE going to be ok.  I just need to let go of all that baggage and put my trust in God.  I may not understand, and I may get impatient but in time, God will reveal His plan for me. 

What negative feelings are holding you back?